In the last blog, we focused on accusatory questions derailing effective communication; steering clear of the ‘why?’ Now, let’s look into what we want to steer towards.
Being a great communicator means being aware of what we say and how we say it. But more importantly, being a great communicator means being a great listener. Whether dealing with conflict or having a casual conversation, we can’t communicate without really hearing the other person. When you focus on both speaking and listening, communication can flourish, like a vibrant garden in full bloom.
“The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood. The best way to understand people is to listen to them.” – Dr. Ralph G. Nichols.
The more you actively listen and try to understand, the more you make the other person feel heard. This deepens your connection and can lead to more productive conversations.
But, how do you actively listen? Dr. Ralph G. Nichols established the study into the ‘field of listening,’ and maintains that listening can be taught and practised, just like any skill. Next time you are having a conversation, try a few of these techniques:
Focus on the speaker
Keep your thoughts on the present conversation, without letting your mind wander, and avoid distractions like checking your phone.
Actively show your interest and engagement
React to what the person is saying – nod in agreement or understanding, or add small verbal comments like ‘yes’ or ‘I understand.’
Avoid interrupting or redirecting the conversation
Allow the person to fully express what’s on their mind before changing the subject, or talking about your own experiences.
Hear the emotion behind the words
Tune in to what the person is feeling about what they’re telling you.
As a coach, these techniques are exactly what I use when speaking with a client. They enable us to truly listen – not just with our ears but with our full attention and empathy. This approach creates a space where others feel safe to open up, fostering connections that transcend surface-level interactions and laying the groundwork for meaningful relationships and excellent communication.
When we listen, allowing the other person to express their point of view, we gain a clearer understanding of what we should say, and how to say it. In communication, our choice of words is important, but so is our intention, tone, and body language.
When it’s your turn to speak, try the following:
Pause to collect your thoughts
Silence isn’t always a bad thing. Pausing to gather your thoughts before speaking can help you express yourself better, especially in intense or emotional moments. Rushing to speak might lead to saying things you don’t really mean, or saying them in a way that unintentionally hurts others.
Be clear
Choose the right words and be straightforward about what you want or need. When there’s room for confusion, people might interpret things differently from what you intended. Since everyone sees and hears things differently, steer clear of ambiguity to avoiding misunderstandings.
Notice your tone
Your tone of voice has a huge impact on how you come across, and very importantly, how you make the other person feel. Consider what emotions you intend to convey, and how you wish to be received.
Be aware of your body language
Use facial expressions, posture and gestures that match what you wish to communicate. Notice if you are closing yourself off by crossing your arms or avoiding eye contact. Your body language doesn’t have to match what you’re feeling – if you’re nervous, chosing a strong posture and keeping your head raised can make you appear more confident, and will actually help you feel it too.
I always find it’s easier for me to follow this approach when I’m feeling calm, and will use PQ reps to bring me into the right state of mind. It could be something as simple as choosing something around me, like a plant, and noticing the different colours of the leaves, or the way like light shines on them. Taking a second to give my full attention to one of my senses – focusing intently on what I see – enables me to be purposeful in my interactions.
Being a skilled listener and communicator allows us to understand and be understood, deepening connections with the people in our lives. We build trust by creating open spaces, and get our thoughts and feelings across with clarity. This can bring a huge sense of ease and comfort to both our personal and professional lives.
If improving communication is something that’s important to you, I invite you to connect with me in a free 30 minute session.
And speaking of communication, let’s start the conversation! Let me know in the comments where your strengths lie: Do you think you’re a better listener or a better speaker? Where do you think you could improve?