The importance of effective communication for developing and maintaining strong relationships cannot be underestimated. Being a great communicator will ensure your message is clearly received and avoid any misunderstanding. This is especially important during times of conflict or when a difference of opinion arises. How often, in the heat of the moment, have you fired off questions like:
- “Why did you do that?”
- “Why did you treat me that way?”
- “Why do you feel like that?”
Alternatively, have you ever been on the receiving end of these questions?
At the time, how did hearing those questions make you feel? For a moment, consider what is happening when these types of questions are used.
Firstly, when asking “Why” questions, the tone of voice used can come across in an accusatory and demanding manner.
Secondly, the questions are often fired off in quick succession without giving the other person any time to respond. The person on the receiving end of these questions instantly feels under attack and their natural response is to become defensive. These questions require them to justify their actions or feelings. They act as a red light, putting a stop to open, authentic conversation.
When we feel under threat, our ability to remain calm and rational becomes compromised. This may make our chosen response less effective, and contribute to the escalation of the conflict.
So, how do you prevent provoking the situation? How do you create an environment where both parties can share and express their opinions in a non-threatening way?
Simply remove “Why” from your vocabulary. Instead, replace “Why” with “How” or “What” questions. Alternatively, you can ask “In what way…”
To rephrase the earlier questions, you could ask:
- “How does that make you feel?”
- “What could have been done differently?”
- “In what way could you/would you…?”
When posing questions in this manner, it is perceived as a less confrontational approach. Your tone is softer and invites the other person to share their feelings or actions.
Don’t forget to really listen to their response, so you understand their point of view. Asking questions in a less demanding manner helps regulate our emotions and allows for a calm and effective discussion. Utilising this technique also lessens the chance of saying something in anger that we may later regret.
What are some questions you could use to switch out the “Why” in your vocabulary? Let me know in the comments.
Interested in learning more about becoming an effective communicator? Connect with me in a free 30 minute session to start today!